RANSVESTIA

Todays Barbara can recognize love. She can see that each person ex- presses their love in a different way. Jimmy's love for me is the kind you read about in story books. I'm certain that there are times that it is so all-consuming that he puts my feelings ahead of his own. I've seen this in the past, but I don't think I have ever been able to show him how much I have appreciated it. I'm deeply honored. I can't presume to “make it up to him” because we simply can't re-live our past. I do know that I never want to lose perspective again. Jimmy's love for me is a very important part of my life.

I am thinking now of the fact that I intended to seek a divorce. I had decided, though, to attend the sorority gathering with Jimmy because I felt I owed him something. I wanted to make an attempt to satisfy our obligations to each other before I left. Since I can't accept the un-earned, I had to repay him in some way for the love he had shown me. I never expected to get this "new lease on life." I'm grateful to everyone who attended for their contribution. Thank you.

My love is all-encompassing. In a way, it could be construed as selfish- ness. And I think that is what kept me so confused. I love myself above all others. Fact! Thats me, and since I had read so many story books that idealized love as placing some other individual before yourself, I could not believe in love.

But I exist! I experience love. The simple fact is that I love myself first and more than I love anyone else. I put everyone else on an almost equal plane. My kind of love is keyed by my respect and admiration of others. The more respect and admiration I feel for a person, the more I find I love them.

I am trying to spell this out so that Jimmy and Dawn will be able to see how much they mean to me. They have both become a very necessary part of my life. I love him next to myself. I see a tremendous amount of potential in him that I will never be but want to be a part of. I also see Dawn who, if given the opportunity, can be the good and loved friend I have been looking for. I recognize they are both in the same entity. I consider this an asset. You see, Jimmy need never fear that I might ever want to live my life with another man in whom I see an equal amount or even more potential. It is Jimmy's strong feeling of love for me and Dawn's much-needed friendship that will keep me with them for as long as they can put up with me.

62